As a therapist I am constantly in contact with teenage boys and girls, and I have recently noticed a very scary trend. Teen boys are getting in trouble more and more for sexual assault. This occurs when a boy makes unwanted sexual advances and/or performs unwanted sexual acts with another teen. In many cases the perpetrator (the teen boy) is just as inexperienced as the girl, and gets himself into trouble because he does not ask the girls permission before engaging in a sexual act.
This causes the boy to face the possibility of jail, probation, and/or registration as a sexual offender etc. all because he did not make sure that girl he was with was on the same page. The damage to the girls in this scenario is dramatic and long lasting and will be discussed further in my next post. The damage to the life of the teen boy is massive as well.
We like to think in this society that only bad people do "bad" things and that bad things do not happen to good people. Unfortunately uninformed people can be just as dangerous to themselves and others as "bad" people. It is an open question who's job it is to inform teens about sex, parents and schools are two obvious choices. The main point is someone needs to!
Boys need to understand not only what they are experiencing in terms of hormones and body changes, but also what to do when they are faced with a sexual situation. Teen boys need to know that when they like a girl and are in a situation like a party or a date they have to talk with the girls about what she wants from the relationship. Once a relationship is more established there is still a need for continued communication to make sure that the other person is ok with whatever occurs. This applies to everything from touching, oral sex to intercourse it self.
It seems that these days "bases" are being skipped. For example: instead of trying to hold someone's hand or kiss them teens are going for touching more private areas first. This can lead to confusion and freezing on the part of the person being touched if they are not expecting this type of contact.
Boys need to find a way to express their intentions and desires in a way that gives girls permission to say that they are not interested or ready if that is indeed the case. This conversation also serves to make sure that both people are ready to engage in a sexual activity.
If boys are able to say, "is it ok if I touch (fill in the blank) then girls get a chance to decide and have a say. If teens are able to talk to one another about the subject of sex they will be able to engage in relationships that are more fulfilling emotionally, and they will be less likely to hurt one another. This serves to protect boys both legally and emotionally from an event they may not have known could end so badly.
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