I have spoken to many women this holiday season who do not seem to be able to sit down and enjoy their time with their families. They describe watching other people enjoying gifts, tv shows, movies, and video games while they run around washing dishes, doing laundry, preparing food, and cleaning up after everyone else.
When did women become incapable of sitting? The buzz from one activity to another with limbs moving so fast you can barely make them out just like a humming bird. Is it really a crime to stop and enjoy the things that are going on around us. Have we forgotten how to stop?
I wonder if it is that we feel we can not stop because no one else will pick up the slack, or maybe it is just that we want things a certain way and are not willing to compromise. Does the laundry really have to be folded just perfectly? Do the dishes really have to be done just this second? Why do we feel as if the world will collapse if we stop off at the couch for some mindless activity.
I have decided that maybe stopping the flapping of our wings for a few minutes may not cause a cosmic collapse, it just might give us time to experience some of the joy of what we work so hard to build. Having fun with our children and our partners can be part of our job description too. We just have to slow down a little bit to enjoy it.
There are no easy fixes and long term solutions to our frantic pace will require getting others involved to help us with a new game plan. In the mean time if we can just learn to breath (breath in through your nose and then blow out through your mouth like you are blowing through a straw until there is no air left- feel how your body relaxes in spit of its self) we might just feel a little better. Here is to a more relaxed and less "Hummingbird" like 2009. Happy New Year!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
To Parents of Teen Girls: Teaching Our Teen Girls What to Expect and How to Say No
As parents and society we try to protect our teen girls from the dating world. We tell them they can start dating when they are 30. We tell them to not have sex under any circumstance, and we hope that they will trust us and abstain. Unfortunately it is too much to hope that every teenage girl will stay away from sex, and even when they try to stay away sexual situations sometimes come to them.
Teen girls in many cases are not prepared for the world of sex and dating. They see things in the media and hear things about sex through friends, and at school. When it comes to an actual sexual experience though, they are often unprepared for the situations they face. I work with a number of teenage girls and adult women who all report similar experiences. Most of them describe at least one situation over the course of their life where they were caught off guard by a boy who was making a sexual advance that they did not know how to handle. Weather it is being at a party and boy began to touch them without warning or going out on a date and being cornered into doing more than they were prepared for.
Girls can benefit from being told the types of situations they may encounter and the emotions that may accompany them. For example: if you are a teen girl and you are at a party with a boy you really like it may be confusing if he makes an advance. Part of you may say "yes!" and then as events unfold the "yes" may turn into a "no". How do you let him know that you want him to put on the breaks without feeling that he will no longer like you. If girls are able to think through situations before they occur they will have the opportunity to make choices that they will feel better about in the end.
Teens are very impulsive and if they do not have a chance to think things through in advance they will be more likely to go with the flow and live in the moment. Even if that means regretting the moment for a long time later. This is not to say that there will not be moments when they want to say yes, but it is important to know how they might want to respond in a number of possible situations.
Teenagers are afraid to have conversations about sex with adults, in most cases because they are afraid of the adults possible reactions and negative evaluations of them. Teen girls my not tell parents about what is really happening because they are terrified of losing their most prized possession, their freedom. This being said, they still need to get answers somehow. The more information girls have the less likely they are to say "yes" when they don't really want to, and the less likely they are to find themselves in a situation they will regret. We need to arm teen girls with the ammunition of knowledge so that they can survive that adolescent battle of sexuality.
Teen girls in many cases are not prepared for the world of sex and dating. They see things in the media and hear things about sex through friends, and at school. When it comes to an actual sexual experience though, they are often unprepared for the situations they face. I work with a number of teenage girls and adult women who all report similar experiences. Most of them describe at least one situation over the course of their life where they were caught off guard by a boy who was making a sexual advance that they did not know how to handle. Weather it is being at a party and boy began to touch them without warning or going out on a date and being cornered into doing more than they were prepared for.
Girls can benefit from being told the types of situations they may encounter and the emotions that may accompany them. For example: if you are a teen girl and you are at a party with a boy you really like it may be confusing if he makes an advance. Part of you may say "yes!" and then as events unfold the "yes" may turn into a "no". How do you let him know that you want him to put on the breaks without feeling that he will no longer like you. If girls are able to think through situations before they occur they will have the opportunity to make choices that they will feel better about in the end.
Teens are very impulsive and if they do not have a chance to think things through in advance they will be more likely to go with the flow and live in the moment. Even if that means regretting the moment for a long time later. This is not to say that there will not be moments when they want to say yes, but it is important to know how they might want to respond in a number of possible situations.
Teenagers are afraid to have conversations about sex with adults, in most cases because they are afraid of the adults possible reactions and negative evaluations of them. Teen girls my not tell parents about what is really happening because they are terrified of losing their most prized possession, their freedom. This being said, they still need to get answers somehow. The more information girls have the less likely they are to say "yes" when they don't really want to, and the less likely they are to find themselves in a situation they will regret. We need to arm teen girls with the ammunition of knowledge so that they can survive that adolescent battle of sexuality.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
To Parents of Teen Boys: Getting Permission and the New Threat to Teen Freedom
As a therapist I am constantly in contact with teenage boys and girls, and I have recently noticed a very scary trend. Teen boys are getting in trouble more and more for sexual assault. This occurs when a boy makes unwanted sexual advances and/or performs unwanted sexual acts with another teen. In many cases the perpetrator (the teen boy) is just as inexperienced as the girl, and gets himself into trouble because he does not ask the girls permission before engaging in a sexual act.
This causes the boy to face the possibility of jail, probation, and/or registration as a sexual offender etc. all because he did not make sure that girl he was with was on the same page. The damage to the girls in this scenario is dramatic and long lasting and will be discussed further in my next post. The damage to the life of the teen boy is massive as well.
We like to think in this society that only bad people do "bad" things and that bad things do not happen to good people. Unfortunately uninformed people can be just as dangerous to themselves and others as "bad" people. It is an open question who's job it is to inform teens about sex, parents and schools are two obvious choices. The main point is someone needs to!
Boys need to understand not only what they are experiencing in terms of hormones and body changes, but also what to do when they are faced with a sexual situation. Teen boys need to know that when they like a girl and are in a situation like a party or a date they have to talk with the girls about what she wants from the relationship. Once a relationship is more established there is still a need for continued communication to make sure that the other person is ok with whatever occurs. This applies to everything from touching, oral sex to intercourse it self.
It seems that these days "bases" are being skipped. For example: instead of trying to hold someone's hand or kiss them teens are going for touching more private areas first. This can lead to confusion and freezing on the part of the person being touched if they are not expecting this type of contact.
Boys need to find a way to express their intentions and desires in a way that gives girls permission to say that they are not interested or ready if that is indeed the case. This conversation also serves to make sure that both people are ready to engage in a sexual activity.
If boys are able to say, "is it ok if I touch (fill in the blank) then girls get a chance to decide and have a say. If teens are able to talk to one another about the subject of sex they will be able to engage in relationships that are more fulfilling emotionally, and they will be less likely to hurt one another. This serves to protect boys both legally and emotionally from an event they may not have known could end so badly.
This causes the boy to face the possibility of jail, probation, and/or registration as a sexual offender etc. all because he did not make sure that girl he was with was on the same page. The damage to the girls in this scenario is dramatic and long lasting and will be discussed further in my next post. The damage to the life of the teen boy is massive as well.
We like to think in this society that only bad people do "bad" things and that bad things do not happen to good people. Unfortunately uninformed people can be just as dangerous to themselves and others as "bad" people. It is an open question who's job it is to inform teens about sex, parents and schools are two obvious choices. The main point is someone needs to!
Boys need to understand not only what they are experiencing in terms of hormones and body changes, but also what to do when they are faced with a sexual situation. Teen boys need to know that when they like a girl and are in a situation like a party or a date they have to talk with the girls about what she wants from the relationship. Once a relationship is more established there is still a need for continued communication to make sure that the other person is ok with whatever occurs. This applies to everything from touching, oral sex to intercourse it self.
It seems that these days "bases" are being skipped. For example: instead of trying to hold someone's hand or kiss them teens are going for touching more private areas first. This can lead to confusion and freezing on the part of the person being touched if they are not expecting this type of contact.
Boys need to find a way to express their intentions and desires in a way that gives girls permission to say that they are not interested or ready if that is indeed the case. This conversation also serves to make sure that both people are ready to engage in a sexual activity.
If boys are able to say, "is it ok if I touch (fill in the blank) then girls get a chance to decide and have a say. If teens are able to talk to one another about the subject of sex they will be able to engage in relationships that are more fulfilling emotionally, and they will be less likely to hurt one another. This serves to protect boys both legally and emotionally from an event they may not have known could end so badly.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Sarah Palin and the Teen Sex Question
Sarah Palin's pregnant teen daughter Bristol, has the whole country talking about an issue that has challenged parents and teens for decades. The reaction of the country and of the Republican Party has been mixed with the religious right applauding her intention to marry and some questioning Sarah's choice to run when her family is clearly in need. Others feel that it makes the Palin's seem like any other American family dealing with the issues we all face. The question now is not should teenagers have babies or get pregnant. Bristol is a rare example of a teen who has the love and support of a partner (Levi) and a family. She is blessed and all teens in her situation would be blessed to have the resources and love that she has in her life. The bigger question here is how do we educate our teens about sex, preventing pregnancy, and STD s?
The answer is that we must actually talk about a subject that most of our country shy's away from. We have to start giving our children honest answers to their questions about sex from a young age. I do not believe that telling teens not to have sex or to be abstinent is enough. They need to understand the situations that they will be faced with and have an understanding of the options available to them.
The anti drug movement has made a point of telling kids about situations they may encounter and how to "say no" to drugs. We need to inform teens of the types of situations they may face and how to make an informed decision. For example: You (a teenage girl) are at a gathering of teenagers, a boy you like comes over and starts to kiss you, before you know it he is trying to do more, what do you do? This is not straight forward like drugs, due to the fact that sex unlike drugs is something that we as human beings need to do to insure the survival of our species, at the very least. Sex is a natural, biological imperative. Teens have had sex throughout history and despite the fact that it is risky and dangerous in many ways, teens will continue to engage in sexual behavior.
Parents must find a way to let their teens know how they feel without feeling that they are encouraging them to have sex. Telling teens about birth control, STD s, and situations they may be faced with etc. does not mean that they will chose to have sex. The more information teens and children get from their parents the more they will turn to them for help. When teens feel that parents have their minds made up in one direction or disprove of questions they are more likely to turn to their peers. In this situation if parents try to talk about sex they are likely to get a responses like, "I would never do that!" When in reality "that" (sex) might be exactly what they are doing.
Keeping up the lines of communication and being open and honest when answering your children and teens questions is the best way to reach them, as well as being the best way to combat teen pregnancy and STD s. Most of all we want our children to be emotionally safe and to make decisions they will not regret. Helping them to keep parents and adults as a resource at a time when they typically pull away towards friends can make all the difference.
The answer is that we must actually talk about a subject that most of our country shy's away from. We have to start giving our children honest answers to their questions about sex from a young age. I do not believe that telling teens not to have sex or to be abstinent is enough. They need to understand the situations that they will be faced with and have an understanding of the options available to them.
The anti drug movement has made a point of telling kids about situations they may encounter and how to "say no" to drugs. We need to inform teens of the types of situations they may face and how to make an informed decision. For example: You (a teenage girl) are at a gathering of teenagers, a boy you like comes over and starts to kiss you, before you know it he is trying to do more, what do you do? This is not straight forward like drugs, due to the fact that sex unlike drugs is something that we as human beings need to do to insure the survival of our species, at the very least. Sex is a natural, biological imperative. Teens have had sex throughout history and despite the fact that it is risky and dangerous in many ways, teens will continue to engage in sexual behavior.
Parents must find a way to let their teens know how they feel without feeling that they are encouraging them to have sex. Telling teens about birth control, STD s, and situations they may be faced with etc. does not mean that they will chose to have sex. The more information teens and children get from their parents the more they will turn to them for help. When teens feel that parents have their minds made up in one direction or disprove of questions they are more likely to turn to their peers. In this situation if parents try to talk about sex they are likely to get a responses like, "I would never do that!" When in reality "that" (sex) might be exactly what they are doing.
Keeping up the lines of communication and being open and honest when answering your children and teens questions is the best way to reach them, as well as being the best way to combat teen pregnancy and STD s. Most of all we want our children to be emotionally safe and to make decisions they will not regret. Helping them to keep parents and adults as a resource at a time when they typically pull away towards friends can make all the difference.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Dating: Shy Out and About
Dear Sarah,
I recently realized that I am not as open to love as I thought I was. I am very shy when it comes to meeting men. Otherwise I am a very confident person. I'm fine if he makes the first move to initiate conversation, or if I'm in a locale where you're supposed to talk to men like a dating event. But in day to day events, such as the grocery store, mall, or the gym, I get really shy, will avert my gaze and put on defensive body language. My question is, How can I gain more confidence so that I can be open to meeting men in any locale?
-Shy Out and About
Dear Shy Out and About,
It is important to recognize where the shyness comes from. It may be body consciousness or a general fear of rejection. Start off by focusing your mind on the qualities you love about yourself. If you are able to draw from your positive qualities when you are in an unfamiliar situation you may feel more confident.
To further increase your confidence start practicing in the least scary local or with people you are acquainted with, but do not know well. This will begin to build the confidence you need in new situations that are higher on the scary list.
The saying "practice makes perfect" is true in that the more we do something the less scary it becomes. It takes action to reduce anxiety. Just thinking about a situation is not usually enough. Now that you are aware of the fact that you have been averting your gaze and assuming a defensive body posture you can decide what you would like to do instead and try putting it into action. It may help to bring a friend with you as you try it out so that you can get feedback and the take advantage of the confidence boost having an ally can create.
Also, give some thought to you first comment about not being as open to love as you thought. It is important to know where you are coming from with this. Does this mean that you do not feel ready for a relationship? Or does it just mean that you are becoming more aware of the barriers to getting the love that you want?
Just remember that the person you are is unique and wonderful and by allowing others to see that person up close your chances of finding a partner who complements you could be as close as your local produce section!
Sarah
I recently realized that I am not as open to love as I thought I was. I am very shy when it comes to meeting men. Otherwise I am a very confident person. I'm fine if he makes the first move to initiate conversation, or if I'm in a locale where you're supposed to talk to men like a dating event. But in day to day events, such as the grocery store, mall, or the gym, I get really shy, will avert my gaze and put on defensive body language. My question is, How can I gain more confidence so that I can be open to meeting men in any locale?
-Shy Out and About
Dear Shy Out and About,
It is important to recognize where the shyness comes from. It may be body consciousness or a general fear of rejection. Start off by focusing your mind on the qualities you love about yourself. If you are able to draw from your positive qualities when you are in an unfamiliar situation you may feel more confident.
To further increase your confidence start practicing in the least scary local or with people you are acquainted with, but do not know well. This will begin to build the confidence you need in new situations that are higher on the scary list.
The saying "practice makes perfect" is true in that the more we do something the less scary it becomes. It takes action to reduce anxiety. Just thinking about a situation is not usually enough. Now that you are aware of the fact that you have been averting your gaze and assuming a defensive body posture you can decide what you would like to do instead and try putting it into action. It may help to bring a friend with you as you try it out so that you can get feedback and the take advantage of the confidence boost having an ally can create.
Also, give some thought to you first comment about not being as open to love as you thought. It is important to know where you are coming from with this. Does this mean that you do not feel ready for a relationship? Or does it just mean that you are becoming more aware of the barriers to getting the love that you want?
Just remember that the person you are is unique and wonderful and by allowing others to see that person up close your chances of finding a partner who complements you could be as close as your local produce section!
Sarah
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Motherhood: The Mommy Monster
Many of my clients come in dealing with the stresses of parenting. I recently had a client tell me that yelling had become a part of her discipline strategy. As we all know, yelling serves to create little people who parrot back the yelling, even if the yelling is slightly cathartic for us at the time. I have come to see this yelling and frustration on the part of the mom as our alter ego, Mommy Monster. Ok, so this is not the loving wonderful side that we want to show our children. So what do we do to tame the monster? (Short answer: Self Care...Self Care...Self Care)
As I write this I find myself praying that my almost 3 year old will keep taking a nap and that my 6 month old will not start crying. I have carved out a few minutes to get this message out!
Taming the Mommy Monster 101:
I have found that as moms we do not take care of ourselves very well. We are last on our To Do lists if we make the list at all. We put our children first often to the detriment of our relationships with our partners and definitely to the detriment of ourselves. I suggest that if we do not start caring for ourselves we are not going to be able to care for the ones we love.
Take time for mommy! Or better yet take time for the person that you are outside of the mommy role. Find a few minutes each day to take care of yourself. This means something different to each person and I know that finding the time may seem impossible. Give it a try and see if a little stress relief for you might translate into a longer fuse with your children. (Our future goal will be to eliminate the fuse altogether, but lets be realistic to start given that we are indeed only human!) This challenge may mean that you have to ask for help. The saying "It takes a village to raise a child" is so true. We all need help. If you feel that asking for it is a sign of weakness consider the damage not asking for it might do as well.
Try to create a relaxation ritual for yourself and start by asking yourself in general: What do I Need?
As I write this I find myself praying that my almost 3 year old will keep taking a nap and that my 6 month old will not start crying. I have carved out a few minutes to get this message out!
Taming the Mommy Monster 101:
I have found that as moms we do not take care of ourselves very well. We are last on our To Do lists if we make the list at all. We put our children first often to the detriment of our relationships with our partners and definitely to the detriment of ourselves. I suggest that if we do not start caring for ourselves we are not going to be able to care for the ones we love.
Take time for mommy! Or better yet take time for the person that you are outside of the mommy role. Find a few minutes each day to take care of yourself. This means something different to each person and I know that finding the time may seem impossible. Give it a try and see if a little stress relief for you might translate into a longer fuse with your children. (Our future goal will be to eliminate the fuse altogether, but lets be realistic to start given that we are indeed only human!) This challenge may mean that you have to ask for help. The saying "It takes a village to raise a child" is so true. We all need help. If you feel that asking for it is a sign of weakness consider the damage not asking for it might do as well.
Try to create a relaxation ritual for yourself and start by asking yourself in general: What do I Need?
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