Erections and How to Talk to Young Boys About Them

The topic of erections can be a tough one to tackle. That being said, good for you for searching for the information to get started! Kids start to experience things before they even have the right words to ask questions about what is happening. If your child asks you why something is happening to their body they are ready to know.

You know your child best. You know what their vocabulary is like. When you answer a question like "why does my "wee wee" do that" you will want to use words that your child already knows to try to explain. You can say that it is a natural response, and that sometimes it just happens for no reason. Translated into kid language: it is the way that part of your body responds and it is normal and OK.

If they ask "why" you could say something like, "it is like a muscle and when it stretches it becomes bigger or a different shape", have him try to make a bicep muscle to compare or show him one of your muscles. Or if he is able to understand a concept like blood flow you can tell him that it changes in response to blood flow.

It depends on the age of the child as to what is appropriate for an explanation or example. The previous examples would be best for a 2-5 year old. As kids get older your response can be more in depth depending on their frame of reference.

Let him know that he is OK and that it will not hurt him. Some kids say that "it" hurts when they have an erection because they do not have another way to understand what is happening.

Even from a young age kids start to develop body consciousness, and a comfort level with their bodies. They will get an understanding of what is OK and what is not based on how their care takers respond. Kids need to hear the biologically appropriate names for their body parts like "penis". They can often handle it better and more matter of factually than we can!

There is always the fear that they will go to pre-school or grade school and share this knowledge with classmates leading to teachers or other parents being concerrned, but if we are able to handle this fear we are one step closer to creating an environment for communication that allows for true openness.

Talking to your kids at a young age will encourage them to continue to ask questions as they get older. I get a lot of questions from parents of teenagers about how to talk to their kids about sex. A lot of them have had very few conversations about the topic up to this point, and their kids do not want to talk or say "yea I know", or "ewww, that has nothing to do with me". Younger kids will be more likely to seek and trust their parent's advice. Develop this relationship early and it will last through the teenage years.

You lay the foundation for good communication about all the tough topics in life when your children are young. (This does not mean that you can not create great communication with a teenager so do not give up if your kids are older!) They take their cues from you. They can see if you are comfortable or not, and believe it or not, your kids will avoid these issues if you are not willing to tackle them.

You show them that you are not afraid of tough topics and that you can handle anything by giving them accurate information when they ask. Even if you do not have the answer off the top of your head tell them that it is an important question, and that you will find out the answer and let them know. Be brave so that you can have great communication and your child can be confident about and comfortable with their body!

Being Forced to Slow Down Is Not All Bad

Wow! I was forgetting what peace is like with two boys running around non stop. Illness has kept us from our usual routine, and offered a gift at the same time. I have stomach bug "Duane" to thank for this.(I am naming the stomach bugs like hurricanes to add humor to an otherwise tragic situation!) As I type this a perfect storm of nap schedules has occurred for the first time in months. Both children are sleeping at the same time!

This week in spite of everything being turned upside down, client schedules, blogging, etc. I have stopped to really appreciate the moments I have with my young children. It is so easy to get caught up in everything that I have to "do" that I forget to stop, and appreciate the smaller moments. Everyone says to "enjoy them while they are little", and for today I am stopping to do just that.

We are surrounded by so much chaos and stress. If you are blessed with small children in your midst take time to really see and hear them. It may just be the best few minutes of your day or your week. Take time to see all the things around you that are beautiful. They are beautiful everyday, we just have to stop and take notice.

Remember that you are amazing and worth loving, take care of yourself everyday!

Start Talking About Sex While Kids Are Young

Many parents are terrified of the subject of sex when it comes to their young children. Even labeling body parts can be a struggle. Often times we give body parts cute names like "wee wee" etc. for example, instead of the actual term penis. We are terrified that if we give our child the correct label they will say it in front of someone else! Heaven forbid they go to preschool and teach the name to some other child who then tells their parent and then we get a phone call!

While I fully understand this fear, I think that we establish credibility with our children from a very young age. When we give children age appropriate, and accurate answers to their questions they build their trust in us. Young children take our word as gospel, but as children get older and have more sources for information they can tell if we have given them the truth or if we sugar coated it.

It is not only the truth that counts, but the fact that telling the facts accurately shows that we can handle difficult subjects. Children pick up from us early on if we are comfortable or not with a topic. While we may not be entirely comfortable talking about it anyway lets them know that we are open to telling them what they want to know, and that we are a good source of information. Meaning they do not have to seek elsewhere for the true details.

This does not mean that we should tell kids things that are not age appropriate. We only need to give them the information they are asking for. Little kids for example (around 3 years) just need very basic facts. If they are not satisfied with the answer we give they will keep asking why until they have the information that makes sense to them.

As kids get older they will want more sophisticated explanations. Parents can feel blessed if their children come to them for answers to tough questions. This means that your child feels comfortable asking you. Feel good that you have created an open environment for conversation!

If the subject of sex is not approached in any form, meaning where babies come from, what body parts are called etc. until kids are older they may move on to other sources such as friends for their information. Kids can read our comfort level. We can say to them that it is a tough subject to discuss, but that we want them to be comfortable asking us anything and that we will try to give them information to the best of our abilities.

Use the opportunities your children give you as they grow to help them feel comfortable with their bodies and with discussing tough subjects. The more comfortable they feel as children the more comfortable they will feel talking to you as teens when the pressure is on. Don't wait until your children are teens to have "the talk" they will probably already have information from other sources by then, and the sources will probably not give them the values and morals that you want them to have!

Hummingbird Syndrome

I have spoken to many women this holiday season who do not seem to be able to sit down and enjoy their time with their families. They describe watching other people enjoying gifts, tv shows, movies, and video games while they run around washing dishes, doing laundry, preparing food, and cleaning up after everyone else.

When did women become incapable of sitting? The buzz from one activity to another with limbs moving so fast you can barely make them out just like a humming bird. Is it really a crime to stop and enjoy the things that are going on around us. Have we forgotten how to stop?

I wonder if it is that we feel we can not stop because no one else will pick up the slack, or maybe it is just that we want things a certain way and are not willing to compromise. Does the laundry really have to be folded just perfectly? Do the dishes really have to be done just this second? Why do we feel as if the world will collapse if we stop off at the couch for some mindless activity.

I have decided that maybe stopping the flapping of our wings for a few minutes may not cause a cosmic collapse, it just might give us time to experience some of the joy of what we work so hard to build. Having fun with our children and our partners can be part of our job description too. We just have to slow down a little bit to enjoy it.

There are no easy fixes and long term solutions to our frantic pace will require getting others involved to help us with a new game plan. In the mean time if we can just learn to breath (breath in through your nose and then blow out through your mouth like you are blowing through a straw until there is no air left- feel how your body relaxes in spit of its self) we might just feel a little better. Here is to a more relaxed and less "Hummingbird" like 2009. Happy New Year!

To Parents of Teen Girls: Teaching Our Teen Girls What to Expect and How to Say No

As parents and society we try to protect our teen girls from the dating world. We tell them they can start dating when they are 30. We tell them to not have sex under any circumstance, and we hope that they will trust us and abstain. Unfortunately it is too much to hope that every teenage girl will stay away from sex, and even when they try to stay away sexual situations sometimes come to them.

Teen girls in many cases are not prepared for the world of sex and dating. They see things in the media and hear things about sex through friends, and at school. When it comes to an actual sexual experience though, they are often unprepared for the situations they face. I work with a number of teenage girls and adult women who all report similar experiences. Most of them describe at least one situation over the course of their life where they were caught off guard by a boy who was making a sexual advance that they did not know how to handle. Weather it is being at a party and boy began to touch them without warning or going out on a date and being cornered into doing more than they were prepared for.

Girls can benefit from being told the types of situations they may encounter and the emotions that may accompany them. For example: if you are a teen girl and you are at a party with a boy you really like it may be confusing if he makes an advance. Part of you may say "yes!" and then as events unfold the "yes" may turn into a "no". How do you let him know that you want him to put on the breaks without feeling that he will no longer like you. If girls are able to think through situations before they occur they will have the opportunity to make choices that they will feel better about in the end.

Teens are very impulsive and if they do not have a chance to think things through in advance they will be more likely to go with the flow and live in the moment. Even if that means regretting the moment for a long time later. This is not to say that there will not be moments when they want to say yes, but it is important to know how they might want to respond in a number of possible situations.

Teenagers are afraid to have conversations about sex with adults, in most cases because they are afraid of the adults possible reactions and negative evaluations of them. Teen girls my not tell parents about what is really happening because they are terrified of losing their most prized possession, their freedom. This being said, they still need to get answers somehow. The more information girls have the less likely they are to say "yes" when they don't really want to, and the less likely they are to find themselves in a situation they will regret. We need to arm teen girls with the ammunition of knowledge so that they can survive that adolescent battle of sexuality.

To Parents of Teen Boys: Getting Permission and the New Threat to Teen Freedom

As a therapist I am constantly in contact with teenage boys and girls, and I have recently noticed a very scary trend. Teen boys are getting in trouble more and more for sexual assault. This occurs when a boy makes unwanted sexual advances and/or performs unwanted sexual acts with another teen. In many cases the perpetrator (the teen boy) is just as inexperienced as the girl, and gets himself into trouble because he does not ask the girls permission before engaging in a sexual act.

This causes the boy to face the possibility of jail, probation, and/or registration as a sexual offender etc. all because he did not make sure that girl he was with was on the same page. The damage to the girls in this scenario is dramatic and long lasting and will be discussed further in my next post. The damage to the life of the teen boy is massive as well.

We like to think in this society that only bad people do "bad" things and that bad things do not happen to good people. Unfortunately uninformed people can be just as dangerous to themselves and others as "bad" people. It is an open question who's job it is to inform teens about sex, parents and schools are two obvious choices. The main point is someone needs to!

Boys need to understand not only what they are experiencing in terms of hormones and body changes, but also what to do when they are faced with a sexual situation. Teen boys need to know that when they like a girl and are in a situation like a party or a date they have to talk with the girls about what she wants from the relationship. Once a relationship is more established there is still a need for continued communication to make sure that the other person is ok with whatever occurs. This applies to everything from touching, oral sex to intercourse it self.

It seems that these days "bases" are being skipped. For example: instead of trying to hold someone's hand or kiss them teens are going for touching more private areas first. This can lead to confusion and freezing on the part of the person being touched if they are not expecting this type of contact.

Boys need to find a way to express their intentions and desires in a way that gives girls permission to say that they are not interested or ready if that is indeed the case. This conversation also serves to make sure that both people are ready to engage in a sexual activity.

If boys are able to say, "is it ok if I touch (fill in the blank) then girls get a chance to decide and have a say. If teens are able to talk to one another about the subject of sex they will be able to engage in relationships that are more fulfilling emotionally, and they will be less likely to hurt one another. This serves to protect boys both legally and emotionally from an event they may not have known could end so badly.

Sarah Palin and the Teen Sex Question

Sarah Palin's pregnant teen daughter Bristol, has the whole country talking about an issue that has challenged parents and teens for decades. The reaction of the country and of the Republican Party has been mixed with the religious right applauding her intention to marry and some questioning Sarah's choice to run when her family is clearly in need. Others feel that it makes the Palin's seem like any other American family dealing with the issues we all face. The question now is not should teenagers have babies or get pregnant. Bristol is a rare example of a teen who has the love and support of a partner (Levi) and a family. She is blessed and all teens in her situation would be blessed to have the resources and love that she has in her life. The bigger question here is how do we educate our teens about sex, preventing pregnancy, and STD s?

The answer is that we must actually talk about a subject that most of our country shy's away from. We have to start giving our children honest answers to their questions about sex from a young age. I do not believe that telling teens not to have sex or to be abstinent is enough. They need to understand the situations that they will be faced with and have an understanding of the options available to them.

The anti drug movement has made a point of telling kids about situations they may encounter and how to "say no" to drugs. We need to inform teens of the types of situations they may face and how to make an informed decision. For example: You (a teenage girl) are at a gathering of teenagers, a boy you like comes over and starts to kiss you, before you know it he is trying to do more, what do you do? This is not straight forward like drugs, due to the fact that sex unlike drugs is something that we as human beings need to do to insure the survival of our species, at the very least. Sex is a natural, biological imperative. Teens have had sex throughout history and despite the fact that it is risky and dangerous in many ways, teens will continue to engage in sexual behavior.

Parents must find a way to let their teens know how they feel without feeling that they are encouraging them to have sex. Telling teens about birth control, STD s, and situations they may be faced with etc. does not mean that they will chose to have sex. The more information teens and children get from their parents the more they will turn to them for help. When teens feel that parents have their minds made up in one direction or disprove of questions they are more likely to turn to their peers. In this situation if parents try to talk about sex they are likely to get a responses like, "I would never do that!" When in reality "that" (sex) might be exactly what they are doing.

Keeping up the lines of communication and being open and honest when answering your children and teens questions is the best way to reach them, as well as being the best way to combat teen pregnancy and STD s. Most of all we want our children to be emotionally safe and to make decisions they will not regret. Helping them to keep parents and adults as a resource at a time when they typically pull away towards friends can make all the difference.